A Winning Loser.

Life has been a battlefield. A warzone of many fronts, of many turfs triumphed and many turfs doomed. There's no easy way to look at it. 

Today, when I am closing towards adding another year of experience to my life, I feel endured yet lost on certain cruicial fronts of life. Though there are few things which I shall always be proud of like finding a spiritual path, finding loving people in my family, having loving friends, achieving several milestones which I barely dreamt of achieving, nevethless life still seems futile as my search for completeness is far from over.

Love is that barren land for me where I still stand in solitude. It isn't that I do not have people who love me, but it is rather me who is still to get completely drenched in its shower. Feels like an oasis. I always thought that I have figured what true love really is but today I am standing far away from it just hanging in the oblivion. Maybe I have mistaken something for love.

Pain and suffering is what life is all about and my attachment to it is so prominent. Having walked on a path of Spiritual realisation I feel trapped in my own farces and it is only getting worse. The worst part is my attempts to live in an absolute past and an uncertain future at the same time while missing out on the ultimate present moment. Missing out on living in a present moment is a sin and I have been that sinner who is consistently doing it inspite of knowing a way to live it. 

I almost know a way to go for it, but as it is said... Almost gets you almost, all it makes you is a winning loser!

Instincts...

Talking about “Love” in generalized manner, usually men follow their instincts while women on the other hand don’t at all, instead women ask for confirmation of the same from men time in and time out, over and over again. Generally how it happens is like this: for an example-

In most cases a boy sees a girl and falls in love with her for some reason (when I say “some reason” it solely depends on the boy’s character and subsequent reasoning.) He then approaches the girl and tells her about the feeling he has and when he does so… somewhere he is prepared for the rejection too however his reaction to the girl’s response depends on how much control he has on his conscience. Some can take it while some can not.

Now, this action of telling the girl about the feeling occurs out of an instinct which is born in the boy’s mind. On the contrary, in such cases when a girl gets to know of the feelings the boy has for her, very rarely she respect it at the very first instance, she may respect it but that takes a while as she seek a confirmation of that feeling (when I say “that takes a while” I mean it needs to be proven by the boy to a girl that his feelings are genuine someway or the other) maybe by the means of offering something as a gift or doing something for her or maybe even by proving her suspicious mind that she will be "secured" with him; she will be "happy" with him; she will have all comforts in her life with him; so on and so forth but she hardly consider challenging her own conscience and her own instincts because if the boy is ready to do all the things that the girl expects then there is no reason for her to ask her conscience about it or to even rely on her instincts as then she is convinced by the proofs given to her by the boy, which ideally by human law* (* Please refer IPC for further info on human law and crimes against women) gives her the sole right to blame the boy for every wrong that happens to her later on in spite of her own ignorance of her instincts.

Well, there are many ladies around who are proud of their ignorance of their own instincts and they are always up and ready to target the MEN KIND for every wrong happens to them, the reason is simple and even scientifically proven ... they do not have balls to face it... and with a lose use of a word it can be said as a cowardice :P

Defiance!

Achievement ... something that gives you reason to judge and criticize the others:
Remember nobody has a right to JUDGE, you WILL face the criticism someday, you will be judged... so, be ready!!

Self Esteem ... something that you mistake as your right, a beautifully sounding camouflage for the word "ego" used to obtain just/unjust profits:
Remember you WILL drop your self esteem unconditionally one day.. be ready!!

Attitude ... a retarded behavior which gives you the strength to prove a right thing wrong:
Remember neither YOU nor GOD can prove a right as  wrong... thus, if you do prove it so.... you sure are retarded!!

The Turbulent Anarchist Paradox...

I've always been treated differently .... have always been treated as an outcast!
because what I think IS against the norms of thousands!!
I say "fuck you all" and I dare to say it to each of you thousands and millions of faces who say that I have lost!

I can never be lost as I have my mind in right place.... I fear no society or no government as you all are corrupt.
Being a part of your corrupt methods, I do not want to be a "SUCCESSFUL" hypocrite!
I prefer being loser if being right is what you mean being lost!

You fucking cowards.. you have no guts to see things while they are open in front of your eyes!
Damn you parasites!! you try yielding benefits of someone's misery and need and call it the practicality and professionalism!!
You form your own laws disobeying the divine laws of nature.. just for your comfort!!!

I have no regrets and never will I have that because I am a MAN who has his senses in his control!
You pathetic slaves!! you crawl with your tongues on the ground, sniffing for the profit and self comfort over the graves of your mothers!!
You can kill your brothers if you have to have a promotion... there's too much of population you need to overcome!!

You immoral bastards, your egos are so strong that you think whatever you do is right!!
Because you imitate the thousands and millions of your illegitimate fathers and that theirs becomes a trend for you!
You have no inner- self, even if you have one, you have sold it in the brothel called society!

You.... I mean the "SOCIETY" ... "you the society"..... if anything best at all you all can do, is to follow blindly being a meek! It doesn't matter to you which fucking place you are heading ... you just walk behind because you are scared... you are damn fucking scared of being left alone.. you are scared of being an odd man out... you are scared that whatever you have earned will be lost instantaneously.... you are scared because you do not have belief that whatever you loose you can create it back again... you do not have guts to fight against anything.... you do not have the balls to face the outnumbered dumb fucks around you.... and you are so damn scared that those outnumbered dumb fucks will make you an outcast!!!

You slog your ass for years .. pleasing your superiors to whatsoever gains!
You do not want to let all those gains go away from you just with one feeling of righteousness ... maybe because that righteousness is unpleasant to your masters! You suck and so do your masters!

This rogue me and this rogue feeling of mine.. no matter how far it goes but I will always be your bitter outcast nightmare!!
am I an outcast?? YES I AM ....  I am an anarchy with mother nature on my side!!

Quest And Conquest.

What, Why, When, Where, Which, How....... they just can't stop but life does, they just keep popping up.
It's a 26 years old quest, a battle so far not concluded, an untiring effort with so many wrongs and few rights....yet the thirst is not quenched, the fire's controlled but the smoke's smothering... vision hampered, and mind tired when I turn back to see how far I have come, I learn, I am lost.... engrossed in facing the life head on, crushing all fears, tackling every unnecessary thing that came to me as a necessity against my will, I am lost!

Let me tell you what in life I have done..... good or bad, right or wrong.... I was always in dilemma to decide among them all... I always had every option for trial so I tried... didn't had a choice to seek a guidance.... it would have been otherwise else.... "they" were there but still they weren't there to guide, it may sound a contradiction but this isn't a contradiction, please stand with me and see ........ you will know its not a contradiction... ah... whatever.... this is how I've become, helpless and weak ...convincing others without a reason.... Ask me what not I've done... steal, lie, disrespect, theft... all of it! who was there to stop?? but it stopped.... ask me what not I've done..... giveaway, truth, respect, mercy.... all of it! who was there to show??

Try abusing your mother.... , try hitting your father.... , try killing yourself.... I did!!
Try being hungry for a fortnight....I was, try leaving home and staying on road... I have, try... please try..... unless you try, you will always see me the way you see me.... but I am not what you see! You think these words are enough for you to judge me?? or for that matter even for me to judge myself?? All these 26 years.... have molded me..... molded me in such a way that I am lost.... lost my vision... lost my spirit... lost everything ... just one conquest I have..... my willpower to triumph...... this is life ..... and life is still fabulous!!!!

An Outcast!

Every face has a story....its just that we think that our own story is different than others but is it really so? it's not, it's really not!
We'll never know the pain of an orphan, ask an orphan.
we'll never know the pain of being alone, ask the lonesome..
we'll never know the grief, dare face the grievance on your own!

There's a boy struggling to win his dreams, struggling to ease his troubled mind...he has so many people around but none of them are his own. He has his parents alive but yet he leads a life like an orphan. He has the determination to conquer the life but he's missing the guidance to put his strength in the appropriate direction.
You hit somebody with your fist and not with your fingers spread but for so you need to have fingers to form a fist first!
what do we do...he's a human anyway.

The boy tries to bond people together but he's so unfortunate to get himself misjudged always. He tries to give a shape to his thoughts with words but words are the weakest medium to express himself which shatter him even more what do we do... he's a human anyway!!

He now thinks to give up but he won't, he wants to be alone now but he can't, he desires to be loved now but there exists none for him, he knows that he's an outcast but what do we do??? he's a human anyway!!!!!

The Culpable Infernal

Something's wrong? Blame it on me!
Someone's hurt? Blame it on me!
Someone's betrayed? Blame it on me!
Someone's failed? Blame it on me!
Someone's angry? Blame it on me!
Someone's unfortunate? Blame it on me!
Families shattered? Blame it on me!

What did I do? It really doesn't matter.
What really matters is I'm there to be blamed!
I tried doing things right but they went wrong....it's my fault!
I tried comforting someone with words but the words went wrong....it's my fault!
I tried being honest but that honesty turned to be betrayal..it's my fault!
I succeeded rarely, mostly I failed..it's my fault!
I tried being the way I am...my appearance angered people..it's my fault!
I tried accompanying in unfortunate times...it's my fault!
I existed...it's my fault!

but when I see myself in the mirror...I can see myself exalt,
I chose to forgive, not for fame...
for deep inside I know whatever I did is right and there's nothing I did shame!